I hesitate to write a blog entry; for all the usual reasons, I’m afraid. Nothing spectacular. I have a lack of subjects to discuss. I could go on and on about the apparent stupidity of the populace, the fact that politics and religion suck, and other assorted ramblings…
I have transcended that. At least I think I have. Politics are useless. There is no possible way to fix this broken system. It is simply a matter of time before it all comes to fruition. What could I mean by that? You might call it collapse, ineptitude, insanity, event horizon, whatever. Regardless, it is a loop. Time, that is. Space-time. History repeats? Why yes, it does. Everything that will happen has happened. In any case, Twitter and Facebook seem to be the areas where people get their messages across. Actually writing out a blog post? How blasé. If it can’t be done in 140 characters, it can’t be done.
I could discuss my life; somehow, that would make a more boring discussion. I have been accused of talking too much, or being egotistical. Finding the right balance is quite difficult for me. I mean well; I just don’t get along with other people too much. I have tried to do that; I have tried to be something I am not. I can’t do it. I’m not patient enough to endure small talk, or parties, or anything else of that ilk. I apologize, but it isn’t me, and my path right now is reclamation…becoming myself; becoming the person that so many people tried to change, or mold, or tried to rectify with my so-called “internet persona”. I’m not what you think.
I’m human, certainly not infallible, and I think this is where I have failed somewhere along the way, especially when it comes to men. I will not take the whole blame. There are certainly other factors in the matter.
When I’m around others, I often feel useless, or awkward. It is better to avoid such situations, so I do go on twitter or LOP to vent and talk.
This persona that you think I am, it isn’t me. I don’t know what you thought of me at one time or another, but it is time for me to reclaim myself. I fully admit I’m not popular or social; I can’t tolerate small talk or the mindless American left-right paradigm that everyone seems to be wrapped up in.
I tried to do politics. I worked for a campaign earlier this year. It was highly apparent to me in working on that campaign that there were, once again, forces on the inside that are hell bent on destruction.
It’s all a game, people. I cannot reiterate it enough. I can yell from the top of the Sears tower and people are not going to get it, so please, by all means, embrace your thinking. You should realize, however, that in the end it means nothing.
So that is where I am right now. Stuck between the meaning and the meaningless, in attempting to clarify certain aspects of myself.
I have a lot of pent-up rage over the person who was in my life previously..the person who thwarted my inner-growth, and did not allow me to be myself, who happens to be very emotional and fragile on occasion.
It’s a two-way street, though.
I haven’t the slightest what I am rambling about. Right now, it is probably ego-driven.
I don’t know what to talk about. I haven’t touched this blog in ages. I used to post news stories that I felt were relevant. I still read these stories, even post them on Twitter, but I don’t have the vigor for it anymore.
There are more important things to think about right now; I can’t change what those rats in DC do, so screw it, I control my own destiny.
I have found myself attempting to create more. Not build upon others, but to actually create. It straddles the world of material and immaterial. It is raw and real, but probably not for human consumption.
So I go on…albeit in a slightly different manner. My aim is true.
I enjoy music, so I do go to concerts whenever I can. I find my energy and thoughtfulness amongst the energies of the musicians and the crowds. Once again, though, my music is probably not for human consumption. Not many people like the metal sub-genres of doom, sludge, and stoner rock.
I’m okay…at least I can pretend to be.
May the gods and goddesses bless you.
This is pretty much summing it up right now: