For JM

For JM

 

I usually never let a man

Get a hold of me

Always keeping at arm’s length

Until you found the key

 

Having the tendency to move on

And wanting to run away

You have walked into my life

And for once I don’t know what to say

 

I am tryin my damndest

To give this man something true

My angel, my salvation

This lonely heart don’t know what to do

 

I became accustomed to keeping myself lonely

God knows I am falling further every day

You are all that is on my mind

To make this damaged heart stay.

 

HLL October 31st, 2010

 

Untitled

Untitled

 

When these emotions

Start to take their cynical toll

And all you can do is wonder

If you truly have a soul

 

When you have embraced the darkness

You know you can’t look back

When you’ve been down every road

Through every possible mental attack

 

Those dark and dead feelings

And you wonder if you have been given bad luck

Then you look around this world

Realization sets in-you don’t give a fuck

 

Tryin to see the beauty on this earth

Then thinkin about the past

And even when you have and feel love

You instinctively know it won’t last…

 

HLL Oct 31st, 2010

 

Letter to my teenage self

*I got this book for my birthday, from JCB. It really is awesome, you write out your life story. Anyhow, one part is writing out a letter to your teenage self. So I did.*

Hi Heidi

You might think the world is terrible right now. I am not going to lie-it is. The world is a cruel place. There is one thing you need to know, though, no matter what. It will get better-you are never completely alone. It might feel like you are right now-but it isn’t all completely empty. You are going to meet a lot of souls, a lot of very interesting souls, and you are going to love them and touch each one individually. You are going to follow your dream to see all kinds of interesting places. You are going to touch life and embrace it, like you have wanted since childhood. You are going to make a mark, Heidi, despite the negativity. Learn to love and cherish every experience, taste it, share yourself. You are not as bad as you think, young lady. The world is yours.

HLL

Emotional pain and other useless information

I am not going to put this on Lunatic Outpost, because everything I do there is misconstrued as drama.

I don’t think I am going back there. I am tired of the pain, tired of the cruel, rude people and tired of the people who are nice to you and turn around and talk crap about you elsewhere. I think I am done with forums, period. I enjoy twitter and the blogging, and my photography.

I cannot watch as good friends and people I love are criticized, especially when very few of em actually know who I am. That is the funny thing about this…they don’t know me in the least. They think they know me because of some words on a screen, but they honestly do not. What they call drama is me actually showing my emotions. If showing my emotions means I am evil or hypocritical, then there is something truly wrong with this world and reality.

They are judging me based on various things that have happened. Forgiveness does not seem to exist…when I try to post things, or defend myself, I am viciously attacked. I am fully aware of the things I have done wrong in my life; I do not need a group of internet individuals to point out my foibles and shortcomings.

Of course, the inevitable “She can’t take the heat” will pop up…but if something is harming you emotionally, spiritually and intellectually it is best to step away.

God bless you. There are many people who are good at LOP, but those few that aren’t ruined the experience for me. Good luck, you can catch me here or twitter.

 

Road to Nowhere

Lost and forgotten

Somewhere along the way

Following the woeful trail

Searching for myself

Took too many wrong turns

Inflicted harm on that desolate road.

As the past haunts me like a spirit

A spirit of pain, a long forgotten soul

Invested in a futureless landscape

Where there are no longer souls

Groping along in the darkness

We suffer…we all suffer.

For those are the ways of this road

And I will never know anything else.

 

HL October 27th, 2010

 

Things that need to be said

Okay, this needs to be said. There is a lot of conjecture floating around and things need to be addressed. People are wondering what is going on, so here it is, here is what happened. I have known JM for a long time; a year. We have been friends, and it has been both good and bad at times. When I told him I no longer wanted communication with him a couple of months ago, he didn’t appreciate it. I understand that; I was wrong toward him. I accept that and I even wrote out an apology for him on this blog. I never stopped thinking about him; I missed him a great deal. I fell in love with Jerod. Too quickly, too impulsively. I did not think correctly. I decided to move down to Texas to be with him, regardless of my issues in Canada. Okay. I met JM in Memphis, and then he followed me to Little Rock. There was something there; something incredible. I was left with a feeling of loss after our meeting…loss that I cannot describe. I knew we cared about each other.

So, I get to Texas. I thought that Jerod was what I wanted and needed. I did not see the same look in his eyes. I tried to make it work, but I got the impression that he was not with me for the right reasons. Looking back at all of our conversations, and his mentions of my internet “celebrity” (his words, not mine) made me think that perhaps this was not the right thing.

I knew it wouldn’t work. I talked things out with JM, and he asked me to move in with him in Arkansas. I had to think about this; but I decided to run with that feeling that I had, and he drove out to Texas to meet me.

So here I am. This is what happened. It is what it is. I know I hurt Jerod, and I deeply apologize for that. But this is right; I knew it from that moment in Memphis, and the time I have spent with him since last night. I am still nervous, in a new situation and all, but this is it.

I am with the man of my dreams, and I am lucky. Bad things were said on all sides by everybody; I am deeply sorry.

I will be forgiven; I just need time. Right now, I am totally upset at the whole situation; alas, I created it, and it will be rectified.

It is what it is. Time to move on and heal; I am where I need to be.

Whatever drama is created, throughout everything…that crap is temporary. This is what it is all about.